Then a questioning look came into her green eyes. It was as if I was looking back into my own face. The ‘what is she?’, ‘what could she possibly mean to you?’ And the ‘I don’t understand’ flooding over her. I just tried to smile. To ram through it like a bull, and pull her forward to me. She came easily, her face coming forward to my neck – and her soft breath exhaling. Into my ear. I shivered as I pulled her the rest of the way down. ‘Baz…’ she said in a whisper. Then her arms came up, gripping the front of my cloak. I brought my own arms around her, to hold her. I left the rest of the world a million miles away… Lynn, my parents, the rest of the returning party, everyone. ‘Amanna, I…’ I started, more loudly. She started to cry, softly. Clutching herself to me. ‘Baz… they killed him. They killed….’ ‘I know.’ I said strongly. Loudly to stop her. This wasn’t the place. This wasn’t the time for her to lose it completely. And if she did it now, here, I didn’t think I would be able to. Those were the times that it was hardest to look in the mirror.The rest of the time, I would look in the mirror, see a man in women's clothing, and know I was doing it because I had no choice. But when a wave of femininity would crash over me, I would look in the mirror, and know that, without the right makeup and accessories, I would never be even close to as beautiful as the women around me. Those were the times that I was most ashamed, and they inspired me to give my tan, and my workout, everything I had. And it was that inspiration that kept me out of trouble when Elena asked me the next question.It was just after our workout, when Elena asked me what I wanted to do after I showered. After the long workout in front of the full-length wall mirrors, during which I spent a lot of time comparing my face and features to Elena's, all I wanted was to know how to be beautiful. And that's what I told her.I had never seen Elena smile so brightly. She rushed over, cuddled my head to her.
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